"Not-So Sweet Dreams"

I just had the most horrible nightmare. I dreamt that Ethan found out everything...about Julian and me sleeping together...about my pregnancy...about going to the abortion clinic. What a horrible, horrible dream‹I can't even think about that happening. So...I'm not going to think about it. I'm going to go downstairs, have some juice, and tell Mama all about my terrible nightmare.

Thursday, January 17, 2002

"Endless Suffering"

Oh God. I can't believe this night. I can't believe what I've done. When will this horrible nightmare come to an end? After what's happened tonight, I'm not so sure it ever will...

Wednesday, January 16, 2002

"Damage Control"

If I had one wish right now, both Ethan and Luis would walk into the mansion right now and give up going after Julian. I would do anything in the world to make that happen. I'd even give up Ethan forever, if it meant saving him from ruining his life by killing Julian. I would die if either Ethan or Luis had to spend the rest of their lives in jail because of me. After all the horrible things that have happened, that would be the worst thing of all. I couldn't bear to make either one of them suffer.

Tuesday, January 15, 2002

"Ready to Kill"

What a nightmare. Ethan and Luis are both out there on the Crane grounds, ready to kill Julian. And this time, I'm not exaggerating‹I know they will kill Julian for what he did to me! And then they will have to spend the rest of their lives in jail...all because of me. I wish there were someway that I could step them. But I know Ethan and Luis so well, and right now there is nothing that anyone (not even me) could do to change their minds. They know how Julian hurt me, and neither one of them would ever, ever let him get away with that.

Monday, January 14, 2002

"In Your Eyes"

Well, it's happened. All of my worst fears have come true. Ethan knows everything. He knows that I slept with Julian...that I got pregnant with his baby...even that I went to the abortion clinic. I've never seen such devastation in the eyes of the man I love. I know I've hurt him before‹when he found out I knew he wasn't a Crane and when he found out I married Julian‹but this time was different. The pain in his eyes was so strong, so intense‹it was like he couldn't take it anymore. No matter what Whitney, or Mama, or Dr. Russell, or Mrs. Bennett say, I know it's over between Ethan and me. They don't know him the way I know him...and I know what I saw in his eyes. And I have no one to blame but myself.